White blood splattered across the walls.

I stood at the top of the stairs, staring down at the mangled corpse of my mother. I was a child. I was a teenager. I was an adult. I was an old man. I was a corpse. I was dust on the wind.

It never changed. The paralyzing fear, the aching loathing, the isolation, the lifetime of guilt that would never heal.

It always hit like a train. Shattering my bones and soul. I lose myself in the regret.

If I hadn’t closed my eyes.

If I hadn’t succumbed to exhastion.

If I hadn’t been alone with her.

Ma…

---

I awoke to a gentle shaking and hushed cooing. Fingers weaved through my hair. An arm wrapped around my shoulders.

I shook in his embrace.

Tears burned in my eyes, but struggled to fall.

His warmth dimmed my shuddering. His soft body caressed my aching bones.

“Sylus…” I rolled over in his arms, pressing my face into his chest.

“There, there, love. It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

I slid my arms around him and sobbed.

“Oh, Starlight.” He breathed.

“I’m so sorry.” I wept.

“Why?”

“Ugh.” I leaned back to wipe my nose. He slid a hand up his tank top and wiped it for me. “After all you’ve been through, I must seem so pathetic.”

“Trauma isn’t a competition, love. Your pain is no less than anyone else’s.”

“But it was so long ago.” I sat up, clutching the sides of my head. “Why can’t I just get over it?!”

He sat up beside me, hands in his lap. “That’s not how it works, love. It doesn’t just go away. You learn to live with it. Perhaps even in spite of it. It will always linger, but it doesn’t have to control you.”

“I just want it to stop.”

“It might never stop.” He put an arm around me. “You can’t control it. No one can. And that’s okay.”

I turned and pressed my face into his chest again.

“Sometimes you just need to feel your feelings.”

“Ugh.” I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. “Your so soft.” I murmured. He chuckled. “I-it helps.” He hugged me back. “Y-you help.”

“I do?”

I nodded against him. “I’d wake up alone. Fighting to breathe. Paralyzed with fear. Over and over and over again. He empty eyes staring at me, cursing me. Reminding me I’d never be enough.” I wiped my face on his shirt.

“You know she wouldn’t feel any of that. She loved you, Jeron. From the moment of your birth to her passing, she loved you.”

The words welled in my throat. Aching, tearing at my flesh. “I let her fall.”

“You were a child sleeping for the first time in days.”

“I should have been there…”

“You were sleeping.”

“I should have heard her. I should have gotten up. I should have helped her.”

“No. None of that should have been on your shoulders. You did more than you should have ever had to do. You were a child with an absent father. It never should have fallen to you.”

“But it did.” I choked. “And I failed.”

“You. Were. A. Child.”

I cried. Ugly, ugly weeping.

We’d been through this before. We’d both said similar things but somehow the hurt and the healing always felt just as real. It never dulled or dimmed. My tears always tore through my soul, his embrace always put me back together.

Arms still around me, Sylus gently laid me back down.

“I was so tired.” I choked. “I’m so tired.”

He nuzzled his face against the back of my neck. “Rest, love. You can rest easy now.”

I took a deep, shaky breath. As I exhaled I felt the pain slip away.